


still learning

by biremuslupin



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Blue saying fuck is sexy, Bluesey broke up it’s very sad, F/F, F/M, Gansey has a type and it’s people who try to make out with him in public, Haha BlueIvy, I pictured Gansey’s date as Jordan Fisher so do with that what you will, Just Gansey pining over his ex for like 3k words, M/M, Still!! Very into the idea of bluesey moving to new york
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23065912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biremuslupin/pseuds/biremuslupin
Summary: Nicholas kisses Gansey, and it’s the first time he’s been kissed since Blue, and Nicholas’ hands are in Gansey’s hair, and Gansey’s kissing back, certainly, more than a bit touch-starved after the last few months, but it’s wrong, it’s not Blue, it’s not Blue, it’s not Blue. He pulls away, the back of his head pressed against the wall behind them.
Relationships: Blue Sargent/Original Female Character(s), Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	still learning

**Author's Note:**

> “write soft bluesey then write about them breaking up it’ll be fun” thx v :/

When Gansey receives Helen’s wedding invitation in the mail, it’s a major blow. He’s known about the wedding for ages (he’d been with Helen when she picked out the ring and he’d sat through dinners during which Helen and Mrs. Gansey brainstormed the best possible time for Helen to propose to her girlfriend, so that it lines up well with their mother’s re-election, in an effort to make her come across as more LGBT-friendly to voters), but it doesn’t feel real until he has the invitation in his hands. He runs his finger along the raised letters and pointedly does not think about how, had the wedding taken place less than three weeks ago, he would be going with Blue. 

It is not three weeks ago, though. Gansey has not spoken to Blue in almost two weeks—she dropped by to pick up the box of records they’d accumulated since their moving in together—and he knows this is off limits. There is no reason for Gansey to contact Blue. This wedding is not an excuse. She broke up with him, told him she needed space, and calling Blue at—he looks at his watch, frowns—half past two on a night he knows to be one she worked late is not giving her space. 

Gansey uses a yellow, cactus shaped magnet (previously Blue’s, part of a housewarming gift from Henry) to attach the invitation to the fridge. The wedding is months from now. He’ll fix things with Blue. It will work out. 

-

It does not work out. Gansey reaches out to Blue twice in the months between receiving Helen’s wedding invitation and the wedding itself, and it does not go well. Well, they don’t go  _ poorly _ , exactly. Blue is a very kind person, but she is not a very nice person. She understands that Gansey did not seem to think there was a problem in their relationship, but she does not think meeting at the pizza place they’d had their first date upon moving to New York would do either of them any good. Also, she is dating other people. 

Gansey is not good at dating other people. He’d applied to college in New York with Blue, moved to New York with Blue, picked out this apartment that she insisted he keep in the breakup with Blue, made friends he could no longer talk to with Blue, built his life in New York _ with Blue.  _ He has acquaintances, people he talks to in his classes and can count on to send him their notes if he cannot attend. He does not, however, have friends. He has a neighbor who got drunk with him the night Blue left. He takes his neighbor to the wedding. 

Gansey’s neighbor’s name is Nicholas, and in order to take Nicholas to Helen’s wedding, he has to sit Mr. and Mrs. Gansey down and have a chat with them. He tells them he likes guys, although he’s not entirely sure how he feels about Nicholas in particular, and that he certainly still likes girls, although the girl he is still in love with has not answered his calls since February. He tells them this over omelettes made with farm-fresh eggs and locally harvested spinach. They tell him they love him and Mrs. Gansey asks if he would like to come out in the papers, tells him she can have it arranged. Gansey declines. 

The wedding is far more extravagant than even Gansey had assumed it would be. He supposes it makes sense, given Helen’s (part time) job as a wedding planner. He just hadn’t been expecting it, and as someone who had been searching for engagement rings for himself less than a year ago, it wasn’t something he’d been prepared for. 

Nicholas loves it, though. He’s lived in New York his whole life, he told Gansey on the drive over from their apartment building, but he’d never made it this far upstate. They drive past the city, past the mcmansions with their acres and acres of land, past forests that remind Gansey far too much of old times, until they reach a building resembling a castle, one truly fit for a queen, or Helen, who’s probably the closest thing to one Gansey’s ever known. 

When they arrive, Gansey politely argues with the valet for a few moments about how it’s no trouble for him to park the Pig on his own, how she’s a finicky, little thing and it’d be easier for him to just do it himself. He doesn’t want to make a scene at his sister’s wedding, though, and so he forfeits the keys after taking his gift (an industrial blender that costs far more than any blender has a right to cost, added to Helen and Diana’s wish list because they have an affinity for disgustingly green smoothies) out of the trunk. 

“This place is bonkers,” Nicholas declares, staring up, up, up at the turret nearest them. 

“Truly,” Gansey says in agreement, squinting up at the place, sun in his eyes and blender heavy in his arms. 

Gansey was told he’s to come early for pictures, and he  _ is  _ early, but there’s already a mass of people, lingering on the steps or around the garden. His sister stands amidst a small group, looking ever the professional in something that isn’t quite a dress, but isn’t quite a suit. It would look ridiculous on most people, but Helen isn’t most people. 

A deep voice Gansey can't quite place, although he’s probably, definitely heard it before, calls “Let me take that for you, Dick!” Gansey hands the man the messily wrapped gift, and smiles abashedly when he raises a brow at the state of it. He  _ had _ tried his best, of course, but while Gansey is typically a very hands-on person, he’s entirely incapable of wrapping presents. 

When he and Blue had passed the point where it was socially acceptable for them to give joint gifts, she had taken it upon herself to do all the wrapping, because “ _ I always have to rewrap your things anyway, Gansey, you’re awful.”  _ His presents will be terrible this year, and he’ll probably get no less than four paper cuts. 

With his hands freed, he leads the way down to where his sister stands. As he gets closer, he hears she’s talking about the band that’ll be playing later, someone that elicits a chorus of “ _Ooh_ ”s and an “ _I wasn’t aware they were still playing! How delightfully vintage!”_ from a woman in a navy dress that looks far too young to be calling things _delightfully vintage_. 

“Hey,” Gansey says, hand raised in greeting. “Uh, this is Nick. Nicholas. My date.” 

Helen responds with a look that, to the untrained eye, may be interpreted as politely interested in her brother’s relationships. Gansey, though, knows it to be pitiful. She knows how Gansey felt about Blue, still feels about Blue. She knows he wishes she were here, even though she’d spend the whole wedding making comments about how terrifying the distribution of wealth in America is and how overindulgent this wedding is. 

When he and Blue had passed the point where it was socially acceptable to discuss how their wedding (which seemed ultimately inevitable at the time) might go, they’d described it to their friends as small and fast. Ronan had made the obligatory sex joke. 

“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you,” Nicholas says, taking the time to shake hands with the entirety of the small circle. Gansey can't help but think about how Blue would’ve stood next to him, smiling politely, only to pull him into some alcove the second she got the chance for a bit of privacy and a break from the stuffiness of a wedding that was being covered by at least two separate magazines. 

He tries and fails to stay focused on the conversation at hand, instead thinking about Blue’s bare shoulder, a sleeve pushed down her arm while she has her way with him in the aforementioned alcove. If anyone at this godforsaken wedding knew Gansey, properly knew him, they’d know he wasn’t listening. The only person who truly knows him, though, is back in the city, living a life entirely separate from his. 

The reception is nice, and Gansey takes the time to compliment both Helen and Diana’s efforts and their wardrobe choices, before he’s swept into the ballroom by the crowd, his hand wrapped loosely around Nicholas’. Gansey grabs a glass of champagne. 

Nicholas asks Gansey if he’d like to dance, and he supposes he would, or at the very least, he  _ should _ , so he does. They dance until their feet hurt, and Gansey thinks he might actually be  _ happy _ , here on this dance floor with this man with kind eyes and curly hair and a laugh that makes it hard for Gansey not to laugh as well. He thinks he might be happy, until Nicholas, laughing his infectious laugh, tugging at his own tie, pulls Gansey into an unoccupied corner on one of the upper levels and he’s reminded of his earlier thoughts. 

Nicholas kisses Gansey, and it’s the first time he’s been kissed since Blue, and Nicholas’ hands are in Gansey’s hair, and Gansey’s kissing back, certainly, more than a bit touch-starved after the last few months, but it’s  _ wrong _ , it’s not Blue, it’s not Blue, it’s not Blue. He pulls away, the back of his head pressed against the wall behind them. 

“Okay?” Nicholas asks, voice just above a whisper. 

Gansey lets his eyes fall shut, shakes his head. “Not really,” he replies, voice shaky. 

Nicholas falls back a step, fingers already working at fixing his tie. 

“I’m sorry,” Gansey whispers. He raises his hands to cover his eyes. What is _ wrong _ with him? Nicholas is hot, he’s very clearly into Gansey, and yet. Yet. He’s not Blue. 

“I’m sorry,” he says again, voice muffled by his hands. 

Nicholas pulls Gansey’s hands off his face, holds his wrists loosely. “It’s fine, Gansey,” he says, and Gansey almost believes it. It  _ is _ fine. Gansey’s with a nice guy who understands he’s hurting, who isn’t asking for anything in return for Gansey’s clearly using him, who stopped because Gansey asked him to. It’s just…he needs to get out of here. He needs to get to Blue. 

“I need her,” he says, voice breaking. He can’t look at Nicholas. He  _ knows _ that Nicholas is looking at him with that pitying expression he’d looked at Gansey with when Gansey had drunkenly asked him to be his date to the wedding. 

“Let’s go home,” Nicholas offers, and Gansey isn’t crying, he  _ isn’t _ . 

Gansey lets out a hiccup and groans at the new level of pathetic he’s reached, his date to his sister’s wedding leaning forward to wipe his tears away as Gansey cries about his ex-girlfriend. 

“I can't drive,” he says, once they’re sitting on the steps to the not castle’s entrance. They’d said their goodbyes, made promises to see people again soon, and headed outside. It’s raining. Gansey’s still not sober, or at least not sober enough to drive the Pig on a New York highway. 

“I can drive.”

“You can?” Gansey doesn’t know why he’s surprised by this. Driving isn’t a rarity. Everyone knows how to drive. 

“Yeah. You can sleep this off,” Nicholas replies, standing as the Pig comes into view. He holds a hand out to help Gansey up, and Gansey takes it. 

Gansey tells Nicholas he’ll stay awake for the drive, but he falls asleep within minutes. He sleeps the whole drive back into the city, and doesn’t wake up until they’re a few minutes away from their building. He opens his eyes to find Nicholas humming along to the radio, smiling as though he hadn’t just had his night ruined by Gansey. 

Nicholas pulls the Pig into Gansey’s spot and turns it off. He goes around to Gansey’s side and holds the door open for him and Gansey reluctantly climbs out. 

“Thank you,” he says, voice echoing in the emptiness of their parking garage. “For tonight. You were great.”

“Anytime,” Nicholas replies. He smirks, tilts his head. “Dick.”

Gansey groans, burying his face in his hands. “We’ve gone so long without you knowing my name. That was intentional,” he says, peeking at Nicholas through the cracks in his fingers. 

Nicholas reaches to move his hands away again, and this time, Gansey intertwines their fingers. He smiles at Nicholas, leans forward, and kisses him. He tries, he really does, and for a second, it works. His head is empty, and this is nice, and Nicholas is nice. Nicholas’ hand moves to cup his cheek, and Gansey leans against his hand, and it’s all great, until he realizes he’s crying again. 

God, what the  _ hell _ is his problem? Rhetorical. He knows the answer. Obviously. 

“Goodnight, Gansey,” Nicholas says softly, thumb wiping away another tear before he lets his hand fall to his side. “I’ll come by in the morning, alright? Make sure you’re not vomiting or anything.”

Gansey’s nose wrinkles. He’s not a big fan of that word, and he thinks back on a time Ronan once told Blue exactly that. He needs to see her. The need might kill him if he doesn’t. 

“Alright. Thank you,” he says.

Nicholas hands Gansey the keys to the Pig and waves goodnight. 

Gansey has the decency to wait until Nicholas is out of sight before he climbs back in, starts the car back up. 

He’s been to Blue’s place once before. He wanted to drop off a CD of hers he’d found, and she’d told him not to worry about it, but given him her address anyway. It’s still in their texts. This is a horrible idea. 

The streets are clearer now than they were when Gansey and Nicholas had been driving back. He hits all the red lights, and he thinks it might be a sign, a sort of  _ turn back now or else! _ warning, but he ignores it. He thinks about what he should say to Blue and how he should say it and will she even let him in the door and what if she moved. 

And then he’s there. Her apartment building. Blue is up there. He climbs the four flights to her apartment, not sure the elevator is trustworthy. It’s the first apartment door he sees when he pushes open the staircase’s door. He debates turning around, but pushes on anyway. He knocks. 

It takes a moment for the door to be opened, and when it is, Gansey frowns. It’s not Blue. It’s a girl with a nose ring and faded pink hair. 

“Oh, I thought you were the pizza guy,” she says. She tugs at the hem of her shirt, attempting to hide a bit more of her thighs. 

“I have the wrong place, I think. I’m sorry,” Gansey says and he’s about to say goodnight and apologize once more for good measure when he hears her. 

“Don’t you even  _ think _ about paying for that, Ivy!” 

He freezes. It’s Blue. He would know her voice anywhere. He has the right apartment. She’s just not alone. 

“It’s not the pizza,” the girl,  _ Ivy _ , says, head tilted in confusion as she tries to comprehend this upset boy in an expensive suit standing in the doorway. 

“Oh, my God,” Blue says, coming into view behind Ivy. She’s in an oversized t-shirt, and there’s a hole in it that’s got one of her collar bones on display. Gansey isn’t sure what to do with himself. 

“Gansey, you’re wet,” she adds, frowning. 

He looks down. He is. 

“I...hold on. Give us a second,” Blue says to the girl. She steps out into the hallway, carefully shuts the door behind her. 

Gansey runs a finger along his lower lip, not entirely sure what to do in this particular situation. He’s not entirely sure what to do in any situation involving Blue. 

“What’s up, Gansey?” Blue asks after a moment of silence in which Gansey looks at her and she looks at him and he can’t read her, no matter how hard he tries to. 

“I’m sorry,” Gansey says, because he can’t think of anything else to say. 

“You—Gansey, you don’t have to apologize. You didn't do anything. We’re fine, we just…we needed some time apart. That’s all.”

“No, I’m sorry for interrupting your date,” he clarifies, and Blue laughs. 

“It’s not a date. We’re just fucking. I just...needed something easy. After you,” she says. 

Gansey’s cheeks heat up. He’d never taken into consideration the idea that Blue seeing people might just be Blue hooking up with people, no strings attached. He’d also never taken into consideration how hot Blue sounds when she swears, at least not recently. 

“Sorry. That was crude.”

“No, that’s fine! I just...was caught off guard. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come. It’s just, Helen’s wedding, and I went with Nicholas, and we kissed, and I know we broke up, but I thought of you, and I felt bad, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t know where we went wrong, Blue, I really don’t, and I  _ miss _ you, I’m going crazy without you, and everyone keeps looking at me like I’m missing a part of myself since we broke up and  _ Jesus fucking Christ _ , they’re right, I am, I miss you, and I know I’m an awful person for coming here, but I don’t care all that much and I—“

Blue kisses him. She tugs him down by his tie and  _ kisses him _ . It’s not what Gansey’s expecting her to do. It’s really, really not. But she does. Blue Sargent, ever unpredictable. 

“That was just to get me to shut up,” he says after she’s pulled away, his tie still wrapped around her hand. 

“A bit. But I miss you, too, Gansey,” she replies. 

“You can’t...God, Blue, I  _ know _ , it was dumb of me to come, but you can’t just fucking...you can’t just  _ waltz _ back into my life and assume I’m here because I want us to be together again, and it’s not fair because you’re  _ right,  _ I  _ do,  _ but I just don’t think…” he trails off, unsure of what point he’s meant to be making. 

“No. You’re right. It was wrong of me. I’m sorry, Gansey, you just  _ talk so much _ .” She pushes him gently, and he feels as though he might fall over from that alone. 

“I do talk a lot,” he admits. 

She laughs. He laughs as well. She’s crying a bit. He’s crying a bit as well. 

“Uh, hey,” Blue says, leaning against her door. “I can ask Ivy to leave. We can talk. Are you okay with that?”

Gansey blinks. He’s okay with that. Of course he’s okay with that. It’s Blue. He wants to work this out, will always want to work this out, because he’s hers, and he hopes, one day soon, she’ll be his again. He nods, and he knows it’s not ideal, of course it isn’t, but it is a start. It’s starting. 


End file.
